Communication Strategies:

·       Listen with the intent to understand not to respond.

·       Let go of any preconceptions and reflect on the content to make sure you have understood, and that the other person feels like you have heard them.

·       Clarify to make sure your understanding is accurate.

·       Practice gentleness and warmth so it creates a safe space to speak.

·       Do not bring up the past to defend your behavior

but instead keep the interaction current and focused on describing behavior based on examples.

·       Set aside the idea that your perspective is the only way to see things, practice humility, there are many ways to perceive the same event.

·       Don’t assume because you have gone through a similar experience that it will be interpreted or felt the same as the other person.

·       Don’t assume your solutions to managing the similar event will be what the other person needs.

·       Understand that when someone has been traumatized, it is not helpful to take away their freedom to choose how they would like to process and manage the experience. Taking away their choices through giving advice takes away their power and mirrors the powerlessness involved in trauma and can be re-traumatizing.

·       Let go of trying to be a rescuer, see the other person as capable with their own strengths and ability to find their own solutions. Don’t assume there will always be clear cut solutions. Sometimes there are no solutions and instead what is needed is just to be heard and to feel like they are worthy of your time and compassion.

·       Focus on their strengths, instead of pointing out what you perceive as their flaws. Consider your need to skim over uncomfortable feelings and label the other person with labels or common catch phrases such as victim or just be positive. This is ego and also a sign that it is your discomfort that you are trying to avoid as opposed to having the intention to offer comfort. Remember always you will never know exactly what it feels like to be the other person and to have endured their unique suffering. Practice humility and consider how you would want someone else to respond and listen to your pain.

·       Understand that in times of stress that the emotional and survival brain takes over as these were formed first in evolution. No healing can take place when a person is in a reactive state. Barking orders at them and judging them in this time will only prolong that state.

·       Remember when it comes to healing all roads lead to Rome. There is no one way to heal and they all have merit. That the freedom to choose and what we relate to is part of what makes us all uniquely beautiful and why we each have our own unique perspectives and purpose. Do not try to force someone else to believe in the same values or beliefs you hold.

·       Beliefs and values are formed through our lived experiences and may have been hard earnt, do not be so quick to undermine just how important and valuable these beliefs and values can be. In trying to take these away from a lack of understanding you may be taking away the persons strength and leading them to doubt themselves and fall deeper into suffering.

·       Do not be so quick to point out someone else’s blind spots and flaws, these defenses may have helped them to survive and there is a right time and place for them to discover there may be limits to these and to find a better way to cope. Do not take away defenses without providing a substitute or what is left is pain with no way to manage that pain. Remember it is not your place to get them to dismantle their defenses. Practice humility and know everything is unfolding and never forget that your part in their lives is just a part of their journey and not the whole picture.

·       Do not talk over the top of others or interrupt them. Instead of believing you have all the answers, take on the stance that you are the curious observer, and that the other person has and needs to create their own answers. Sometimes all that is needed is to ask the question.

·       Make sure throughout your interactions that the atmosphere is calm and safe. Especially if the person has suffered a history of trauma. To develop an atmosphere of safety, take on a stance of non-judgement. Hold back from giving unsolicited advice. Let the person come to their own conclusions. Be a sounding board.

·       Instead of pointing to what you think the other person should do or is doing wrong, consider your part and reflect on yourself and your own life. You may discover that your projections fail to acknowledge the similarities you see as flaws in the other. You are not perfect and have your own densest and flaws. Focus on healing yourself and you will see just how difficult it can be to let go of old behavior's.

·       Pause before speaking and consider the intention in your words.

·       Speak less and listen more. Ask questions that allow the person to speak freely, you will find you have to ask less questions and create less confusion, as the other person in free flow communication will reveal most of what you want to know with little provocation.

·       Try to understand what it is like to be them. Do not judge what they have been through but try to practice empathy for what has happened to them.

·       Recall a time in your life when you felt vulnerable and consider what you needed or wished others had done for you. Generally, it will not be judgement, blame, condescension, interrupting, giving advice, giving labels, skipping over pain. Generally, when we feel injured and vulnerable we want compassion, to be listened to, understood, and to feel safe.

·       Consider whether you do everything you know to do or live aligned with your values or operate from strength or feel strong all of the time. Generally, we all have times when even when we are aware we act in unhelpful ways. Allow others this freedom. Life and change are a process. Someone else’s growth does not happen on your time frame.

·       Consider whether you are living your best life before giving advice. Its easier to tell someone else how to live than to actually live it.

·       Remember that your culture, gender, age and generation will impact how people perceive an event and alter what each person needs to heal. Remember even if we have the same age, gender, culture and generation that we are still unique and how we interpret each will vary. Do not assume you know.

·       Monitor how you try to intellectualize a situation. Remember there is power in acknowledging feelings.

·       Let go of the stories you may have created about the other person. Do not assume these are right. Use presence to see the person as if for the first time to avoid interpreting what they say through this pre-conceived script.

·       Instead of labelling the person aim to see their inner child, then you are more likely to minimize any judgements and respond with gentleness.

·       Remember ego is of the mind and is not healing. It creates an atmosphere of defensiveness. Rescuing behaviors are an aspect of the ego. Let the other person become their own champion and do not fail to see the champion that already exists within them.

·       Remember how we react often comes from our learnt behaviors and upbringing, consider how these reactions felt to you and whether you would like someone else to feel how you did.

·       Don’t assume the words someone else uses to describe a situation are the same as yours. Words may mean very different things to different people. Some words may be triggering to some and not others. Aim to listen with your heart, not just your mind.

To Sum:

·       Speak less, listen more.

·       Take on the stance of the curious observer or a traveler in a foreign land.

·       Practice humility and do not assume you know. Check to make sure you have understood before responding.

·       Let go of the labels and stories and practice presence. See their inner child and listen through your heart.

·       Allow them to express their vulnerability and acknowledge their feelings without trying to give advice or fix them. They are not broken.

·       Know they will come to their own resolution in their time not yours. Practice patience.

·       Focus on their strengths and allow them to make their own choices for it is they who need to do the work and live with the consequences.

·       Do not take credit for their success. No matter if you supported them or not it is them who did the work.

·       Before judging consider whether you always do what you know to do and are living your best life. Consider the process of change can be long and unfolding. You are only a part on their story.

·       Consider the intentions behind your words.

·       Know people have more strengths than you realize, never minimize their strength.

·       Remember it is far easier to judge from the outside then to live through traumatic events. Practice compassion not self-righteousness.

·       Remember we are all just learning about life. There is no one right way to see things or to heal. Everyone’s path is valid.

·       Aim for harmony not an imbalance of power.